Please read my entire post before responding that "I'm an ungrateful spoiled snob". thanks.
My parents are rather wealthy, and have generously paid my other three sisters complete 4 year college tuitions. As with my sisters, when i go off to college in the fall, they would also like to pay for my college expenses. My parents tell me that all they expect in return is for us all to keep our grades up so that we can graduate with a good job.
Sounds great right?
Wrong. I've watched my parentâ™s behavior when my sisters went off to college, and they expect MUCH MUCH more than just grades. They expect you to live your life by their own morals. For example, my sisters were NEVER allowed to get a job at a bar, have a car during college, move in with their boyfriends, move into house that weren't approved by my parents first, not call any less then twice a week, and much much more. It is known that if these rules are broken, they WILL stop paying for college. During phone calls my parents expect to know EVERYTHING thatâ™s going on, and they say that you are ungrateful for their money if you don't tell them EVERYTHING.
I sat down a month ago and spoke to my sisters about what they thought of my parents basically controlling their lives even though they are adults now. They laughed and said, "my boyfriend moved in with me anyway, i just had him out of the apartment when mom and dad came." OR "I did get that job at the bar.....I just never told dad."
So pretty much their advice is to take the money but live how I want too.....I'll be an adult, living on my own. I won't be a teenager anymore, having to hide things from my parents. I don't want to have to hide stuff anymore, I want to be independent and not have my parents on my back telling me what to do.
My question finally is, how do I tell them NICELY that I do not wish to accept their money? They never even asked if I wanted it... I work two jobs and I have a lot saved up, however, I will have to take out loans in college for the rest. I do not wish to hurt my parentâ™s feelings OR sound like an ungrateful snob. Please help
I think it's great that you want to do it on your own.
I don't know your parents, so I have no idea how they will react to this, but they can't force you to take their money.
I feel bad. You're parents should not be allowed to take over your life like that when you're in college. When you're 18, you're technically an adult. Tell them that you would like to get the experience of working for what you earn, that way, you'll be better prepared for the real world.
talk to your financial aid counselor about loans, grants, & scholarships. work study programs can offset your expenses, too. if the folks want to give you the money, consider meeting with a financial planner and start your retirement account.
Wow, I think that if my parents had given me money I would have done anything for them. I paid my way through 5 years of college and let me tell you, it was the hardest 5 years of my life. And now 5years after grad. I still have to pay back a lone for the next 10 years. This is only 4/5 years of your life. There may be rules about it but for you to be dept free when you finish college is HUGE. I know that does not answer you question on turning down the money, but really think about what you are doing.
I would just tell them that you want to pay for your own college as a way to learn how to be responsible with money. If they reject your request, explain to them that you feel like they are trying to live their life through you and your sisters, and you all need to live your own lives the way you want.
just sit them down and be honest with them. tell them that you want your own life and you don't want to be controlled by their money. it is not fair to you that you have to what they say just cuz they are paying for you to go to college and tell them that tell them everything you told us. i hate it when parents try to control the kids by means of money. it is not right. but yeah just be honest with them and if that doesn't work then kick and scream like a little girl lol
You are throwing away a good opportunity hon.However your parents did no wrong to not want your sisters to work at a bar.
I have been out in the world and let me tell you about bars hon.The guys who go there do NOT go there to find girls with high moral standards who want "MARRIAGE and stability in a relationship".
They are going there to find loose girls to have sex with, or girls who they KNOW they can con into having sex,even if it means lying to them and saying"I'd like to get married one of these days,but I've been hurt etc......."
Not to mention the alcoholics she would have had to deal with, jealous drunk girl friends whose b/fs talk to her too much,all kinds of guys hitting on her.THAT is just the bar job hon.
Next with the shack up b/f's what usually happens is the girl ends up pregnant and dropping out of school when he dumps after hearing the pregnancy news.You see, he is focusing on school,his job and doing girls and does not have time for a baby.
Your sisters opened themselves up for problems they may or may not have had.Yet your parents loved and cared about them enough to see they didn't want them to risk those things.
Now,with your sisters. how is the bar job going after a year or 2?Has the b/f married to your other sister?Or still using her for sex?
I mean after 5 yrs,they should have been married after the first 1 1/2 - 2 yrs.
"I love you, sex and shacking up" is NOT commitment hon,sorry.Watch their lives and listen to their complaints for a while.They are disgracing your parents by the way they live.
I think if you are going to indulge in your sisters immoral style of living then yes,you SHOULD pay your own way.
ur pretty dumb. no offense. there are so many people who have no choice but to work three jobs to pay for college on their own, and here you are with the advantage of having it all be paid for you and you arent smart enough to take it. Trust me, in five or six years when you have to start paying off your student loans, you will wish more than anything that you had taken your parents help.
i think even if u don't take the money they will want you to call, and they won't want you to move in with your b/f, and they won't let you work in a bar. (all of which sound reasonable to this 17 year old)
you say that
'They expect you to live your life by their own morals'
will yeah i would hope so, they are your parents. they want what is best for you. they know that being in college you are still young and making stupid mistakes and they just want you to do what's right. there is nothing wrong about having morals you know.
bottom Line your parents will always tell you what to do even if you pay for your own college or not. whoever said that they won't expect you to call or give you their opinion if you pay for your own schooling?
I think that will be upset if u refuse the money but all in all it is your own choice. make a goood one
You don't sound ingrateful or snobbish.
You sound like you wouldn't mind having the tuition paid but you don't want your college EXPERIENCE in itself to be bought. That is understandable, and even commendable that you want to spread your wings at college and live your own life without lying or faking or agreeing to things that would prohibit you from making your own choices. That is honest and mature.
This is what I would do. I would tell them upfront just what you wrote here.
I do have to say that some of their requests are not that unreasonable. Most parents don't want kids moving in with boyfriend with or without tuition.
No need to have a car on campus. And calling twice a week is not that big of a deal. So, you compromise.
You say, I want to do right by you and by my own convictions Mom, Dad. I saw some things with sisters that worked well, and some that didn't. I am planning on calling you twice a week at least because I WANT to. I do not want you to tell me that I HAVE to because there is no need to do that. I want to be able to chose my job, my friends and my studies and for you to trust me to make the right decisions. I want to be able to be an adult and include you in my decisions and college life-- without it being repayment for your generosity.
OK probably a little flowery in the wording but you get the gist of what to say. Or just print out what you wrote here, and all the answers that support your thoughts.
Best wishes with this situation and on your bright future :)
ok just tell them that u want to experience first hand how it is to work for money that u need and that u are very grateful for them willing to pay for ure college but that their not always gonna b around and you need to experience first hand how that would be so u dont get suprised l8r on in ur life
I'm guessing you feel like your parents are pretty strict and now you want to get out and spread your own wings and get out from under the rules. My parents didn't give me a dime for school and still watched me like a hawk (Who are you dating? Where do you work? What time did you get back to your dorm last night? etc.)
While your newfound independence is great... So many people would LOVE to be in your position (myself included). I used loans and financial aid to cover schooling & have accumulated $45K in student loans (at a private university). I still have a year and a half left! My husband has $103K in student loans. We're trying to buy a house, but the most we can get approved for is $75,000 b/c of the loans. That doesn't buy much! Oh, I wish I could have had someone else foot the bill for my schooling! I won't say you're being ungrateful, b/c I can see where you're coming from. But I do think you're being a little foolish. 1.) Most people don't get a dream job right out of college. If you're majoring in anything other than pre-med, count on only making between $20,000 -$30,000 after you graduate. The economy is bad now, jobs are hard to come by, and loan lenders are getting more and more picky. Even if you wanted to take out a loan, at 18 years old, who would you use as a co-signer? Your parents won't co-sign on a loan if they could pay for it without interest now! I think you're making a bad decision.
By the way, college is a LOT harder than high school and you have a lot more homework to do. I really doubt you'll be able to work 2 jobs in college and do well.